Life

Jesus said:

You diligently study the Scriptures because you think that by them you possess eternal life. These are the Scriptures that testify about me, yet you refuse to come to me to have life.
John 5:39-40

I know people who read their Bibles with a rabid ferocity. They are so insistent that the Bible is the only way to know God and that it is the only true blueprint for living that they come off a little, oh I don't know, INSANE?

Seriously, there are times when I half expect that I might actually see one of those individuals walking about town all wild-eyed, with flecks of foam and partially masticated paper bible passages stuck to their lips. It's as if they are compelled to chew up biblical passages. They tear holy words apart and dissect sacred meanings.

I suspect that theirs is a hunger fueled by their own need for control, rather than a genuine hunger for God.

Me? I don't feel particularly driven to read the Bible; so much so, that I can go days without reading Scripture. In fact, I could probably go weeks and months without purposefully reading my Bible.

For this, I've been harshly criticized by my brothers and sisters in Christ. One alarmed Christian acquaintance even went so far as to suggest that I could not possibly call myself a true Christian if I did not faithfully read the Holy Bible.

Don't get me wrong, I believe that the Holy Bible is resplendent with the message of God's love for us. I think where I differ from many in Christendom, is that I choose to hold that message tenderly. I choose active conversation with God over memorizing the written word. I choose to live out the words of Christ rather than debating them.

I can understand why some folks passionately love their Bibles; but it seems to me, that Jesus himself enjoins us to remember that loving our Bibles is not the way. Christ is the way, the truth and the light. It is our relationship with Him, and the way we live out of that relationship in the world around us that brings glory to God and ourselves into eternal life.

But hey, what do I know?

I am at such a crossroads in my spiritual and my personal life. I am questioning so many things and I feel so small, so insignificant, so unimportant. There are so many walls in this world. Walls in my relationship with the church, walls in my relationships with friends, walls that thwart my attempts to effect change and social justice in my community. I feel as though I am constantly running into walls.

Being excluded from church social events because I suggest the theory of evolution is not contradictory to believing the Bible. WHAM! That's a wall.

Being excluded from testifying at a city council meeting because I represent a high needs demographic in our community that no one wants to deal with, or pay for, or acknowledge. BAM! That's a wall.

....and sometimes I just want to scream at God and tell him to take down the damn walls. He's all-powerful. Cut me some slack already and at least show me the door so I can quit ramming my head into all these damn walls.

Then I remember, oh yeah, I already have my door. Jesus. And you know what? Back in His day, Jesus encountered quite a few walls himself. Big walls. And look where that got him...strung up on a cross and crucified.

Don't mind me. Right now, life is kicking me in the ass and I'm loopy from the transient brain damage I've suffered from all my wall ramming.

and I just feel so discouraged,

.....and so very, very small.