I have no delusions regarding my own issues with codependency.
I often struggle with my desire to be all things, for all people. I want to be liked. I hate saying "no".
I rarely feel that I am good enough.
I am embarrassed to receive praise or gifts.
I feel guilty whenever I assert myself or choose my own needs/desires over the needs/desires of others.
....so, there you have it.
My very own list of classic codependency traits/characteristics.
Ugh!
Most time, I am aware of these patterns of behavior and I'm able nip the more destructive consequences of my codependency in the bud.
Recently however, I have found myself horribly conflicted.
Quite some time ago, I commited to helping with a yearly fundraising event for a local nonprofit. I helped with the event mailing, and I was scheduled to assist with seating at the actual event this coming Thursday.
Today, we learned that my husband will need to make an all expense paid business trip to Seattle; and what's more, for very little additional expense, I and our two youngest children, would be able to accompany him!
The only hitch in this plan is that I am scheduled to meet, greet, and seat folks at the nonprofit event the same evening we would be out of town.
Holy Crap! Talk about conflicted. Do I go? Do I stay? Every codependent trait I possess has flaired up and clouded my ability to make a rational decision.....which ironically, is a difficulty that in and of itself, characterizes codependency!
Soooo, I called the nonprofit event co-ordinator and asked if it would be possible to be excused from this commitment without placing them in a bind. I explained the situation and stated that my first priority was to honor my commitment to the event, but if it were possible to be released, I would very much like to travel with my husband and children to spend several days in Seattle.
The event coordinator was very gracious. She felt that it would be terrible for our family to miss this opportunity, and insisted that even though they were short staffed for volunteers, I should go.
I want to go. I mean I really want to go, but I am so damn conflicted. I have a previous commitment and I should honor that commitment, right? How could I possibly flake out at the last minute? After all, people are counting on me. I'm even acknowledged in the program bulletin as a kind hearted volunteer for Pete's sake. What's wrong with me? How could I even think to go to Seattle and leave this worthy nonprofit organization high and dry?
And this is where I just get so confused and upset and beat myself all to shit because I want to go to Seattle, but I don't want to disappoint the people who are counting on me. And now, I am trying to decide whether I should go, or whether I should just stay and honor my 45 minutes of seating and greeting.
In all honesty, I'm having difficulties untangling my own self-interest, from my issues with codependency, from doing the right thing.
I'm a mess. A tangled up, whimpering mess.
Ask me how to budget $840,000 for our city's social services and I could answer you with three very short, articulate and comprehensible sentences.
Ask me whether I should go to Seattle this coming Thursday and I guarantee you that I'd burst into a blubbering, incomprehensible mess of a woman.
The whole situation is just ridiculous.
I have no clue what I'm going to do.
ARGH!
4 comments:
Go to Seattle. You did the right thing caliing, you were honest, and they encouraged you to go to Seattle, so do I. :-) James
Anyway, just my 2 cents. You do so much for so many, it would be great to see you have a little time away. I hope I didn't sound too bossy in my previous comment. It sounds a little like it to me now that I read it. Sorry about that. You are such a sweet lady, loved by many, including me. C ya. :-) James
Ahhh James!
Thanks so much for your comments.
They were like the balm of Gilead for my conflicted spirit.
Rest easy, you weren't at all bossy and I so appreciated hearing from you on this.
These days, I don't feel loved by any, much less many,so it was good to be reminded that I am loved by those who know me.
I sometimes lose track of the knowledge that God knows me. God loves me. My family knows me. You all love me. My friends know me and they love me.
Thank you for reminding me of this.
I am encouraged!
Jerri,
Don't believe that you are anything less than the loved, valued woman whom God delights in.
Rest in His blessing AND the blessing of others who tell you to go to Seattle, run with your kids, rest with your hubby and absorb the gift that has been given to you.
Patti
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