Life is messy...redux.

Yesterday I wrote that my life is messy.

If you could see my insides, the real me, you would know that I am a selfish, hurtful, frightened person. You would also know that I am compassionate, giving and when the need arises I can be quite fierce, brave even. If you looked inside me, you would see both my capacity to sin and my capacity to love, to forgive, to be holy as God is holy,

All I want is a church where it is safe to be who I am. A place to be authentic. A place that makes room for people like me, the outcast with an unlovely and broken soul.

The closest place I've come to experiencing "authentic church" is an AA meeting. After over a decade of sobriety, I still go to meetings. There's one in particular that I love to attend. It's a women's group. The women there are real. They are honest about who they are and they embrace the real Jerri, and I feel safe. For me, it's a holy place, but it's also a messy place. Oh, make no mistake, it's a messy messy place filled with tears, and groans, and laughter and swearing...but it's holy because it's a God-filled place.

This group has recently seen an influx of desperate mothers. Young women with young children who crave sobriety and community. Young women who lack resources, who don't have baby sitters and yet, they need meetings. They need recovery and they've heard about our meeting and they are coming.

They are coming because they've heard ours is a group that practices good recovery, where the group members work the program and love one another. Oh, if only you could see them. If only you could see the hunger in their eyes....they are so very, very hungry for new life. A life free from the brokenness of addiction. And so they come, and they bring their children with them.

The children's presence has created a small division within the veteran group members. Some can't stand having the distraction of children present in the meetings. Some think it's inappropriate. Some have mixed feelings and others, like myself, believe those kids deserve a sober mother. Some, like myself, praise God that so many women even want to get sober in the first place.

Next week, after our Monday night meeting, we will convene our monthly business meeting, where we will read the 12 traditions of AA. And we will pay especially close attention to the second tradition, which reads: For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority - a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.

We will open the meeting up for discussion, and we will determine our group conscience regarding the presence of children at our weekly meetings. It won't be easy. It will be messy. People will disagree, it's possible some feelings may be hurt. Our discussion may become heated; but by the end of the evening, a group conscience will be reached. It may not be the outcome I desire, or it may be, who knows?

The point is, we are each willing to admit that we don't have control. We are each willing to release that control into the hands of God. We are each willing to trust the Holy Spirit to move our group to a consensus that's pleasing to God, that honors Him, so that we can continue to create a holy space for healing and hope.

This is the kind of church I crave, but haven't really found.

I'm just like those newly sober women in my AA group with their hungry eyes. My eyes are hungry too. Hungry for a place to worship God, to explore this new life in Him, hungry for community and caring.

You see, people in recovery have figured something out that those of us in church would do well to either learn or rediscover in ourselves. People in recovery know that you can't do recovery alone. You need others to heal, to hold you accountable, to guide you along the way. Being a christian is the same. You can't be a christian alone either. We need each other.

That's why I hunger so for a real church, with real people, complete will all of this life's messiness.

And the crazy thing is, I trust God is at work. I trust that there is a purpose to all that I am feeling and experiencing regarding my spiritual and religious journey. Knowing this, trusting as I do, sometimes makes the living part easier, sometimes it doesn't. It's a mixed bag and it's messy.

Life is just plain messy. No matter how hard you trust. No matter how hard you believe. No matter what, life is messy.

And that's all I'm left with again today. It sucks sometimes, doesn't it?