Zombie Bride

I am becoming emotionally undone by our church.

If I continue to attend, I fear that I will be doomed to emotional extinction.

You see for me, church has become a very unsafe place. I am no longer free to think, or to feel, or to be the person I know myself to be.

Without free will, without the freedom to express and to be the person God has made me to be, I am nothing more than an emotional and spiritual zombie.

Is this what Christ would have me be?

His zombie bride?

Deep in my heart, I know that God would not require this of me.

Why then, is my church?

Go ahead, laugh.

Today, I need to laugh.

Do you?

If so, click this sentence and read Real World Martha's Blog.

Her story is laugh out loud funny. Really. Click the link and read for yourself!

Ramel

It's no secret that criminality often runs in families and that criminal patterns of behavior are frequently passed down from generation to generation. It's also no secret that it is very difficult to break the chain, and that it is almost impossible for a child to do so.

This summer we learned of a young man who desired to attend a Young Life Summer Program in our community. He was from a well known drug family and yet, against all odds, he had made a decision for Christ. Against all odds, he wanted to break the chains, he wanted to grow and mature. He wanted a new life.

Of course, his family wasn't very supportive and although they had sufficient funds to pay the associated cost of attending the Young Life summer program, they refused to do so.

Several Christian families in our neighborhood bonded together to pool our resources and paid the $400 plus dollars for that young man to attend the Young Life Summer Camp.

Yesterday our family received a thank you note from the young man. Going to camp, he said, made last summer the best summer of his life.

I cried when I read his letter.

I cried because ours is a God whose love still penetrates the most hardened hearts among us, hearts like mine. I cried because God's love still reaches into the darkest of places to pull goodness and humanity into the light, like His love has done in my life. I cried because a young man's life was made better by a small group of people who cared enough to sacrifice a few bucks to benefit another. I cried because it was such a small sacrifice and yet God somehow used it in a powerful and life changing way.

Today I am praying for that young man. If you feel so inclined I invite you to pray as well. His name is Ramel. He is a beloved child of the most high God and in my book, he is a hero. He's a hero because he's daring to break the chains, he's daring to embrace the freedom that a new life in Christ offers to him.

Dear Ramel, although you most probably will never know this. I'm praying for you, I am so praying Ramel. God bless you.

Vertigo

Detroit Dam

Lately I feel as though I am suffering from some bizarre case of vertigo.

I'm dizzy. I'm off balance. I feel like I did when I stood on Detroit Dam and snapped the photos you see here today.

more dam

It would be so easy to lose my balance and fall off the face of my own life.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to simply surrender to the falling.

hot damna dam

Would I ever hit bottom? Would it hurt if I did?

last dam(n) picture

I'm really tired.

I just want the spinning to stop.

This vertigo scares me.

My girls

oldest daughter

Daughter updates....hmmmm.

Let's begin here.

Some of you have sent me e-mails expressing concern regarding our middle daughter's fall from her horse this past weekend. Middle daughter is fine. She banged up her elbow and had the wind knocked out of her; but other than that, no major injuries. At the time of her fall, she was able to brush herself off and finish her ride. Her elbow is still tender and bothers her some, but our pediatrician tells us that her discomfort will improve with every passing day.

Now, just in case some of you think that we are wealthy, horse breeding millionaires, you should probably know that every year, all year long, our middle daughter saves her pennies to attend one weekend at Canyonview Horse Camp. This year, she had the time of her life and thanks to being thrown from her mount, she has a few extra tall tales to tell as well!

Oldest daughter also had an exciting weekend. As some of you may recall, our oldest daughter entered a beauty pageant earlier this Fall, the culmination of which was lived out on stage October 14, 2007 in a five hour extravaganza of hot lights, taffeta, silk and lace.

I'm not sure what to say about the pageant.

I mean, do you really want to hear how most of the pageant girls rolled in Sunday afternoon armed with their zip strips and hot rollers and fancy make up mirrors? Oldest daughter and I practically howled with laughter as we pulled out our little sandwich bag sized Ziploc baggie of make-up and set it down next to the gi-normous tool boxes filled with more make-up than any one person could ever hope to find at their local Macy's cosmetic counter.

"We", I mean "she", didn't stand a chance.

(In other words, we (I mean "she") didn't win the coveted title, the scholarship money, or the all expense paid trip to nationals. Boo hoo.)

Believe it or not, I'm not a disgruntled pageant mom. Really, I'm not. Does it bother me that my precious baby didn't win? Yeah sure, it bothers me; but truth be told, the whole pageant "thing" bothers me a whole helluvalot more.

I mean, just answer me this.

How in the world does spending a crap load of money buying gowns, shoes, make up and miscellaneous grooming tools help shape a young woman's character? How does parading about in high heels and expensive dresses prepare a young woman for a successful career, or more importantly, for a meaningful life?

Sheesh, my world is spinning. I feel dizzy. There's just so much more I could say about the pageant; but I'm still in the throes of my pageant hangover, so I'm going to keep my big mouth shut.

And friends, that's what the whole pageant experience was like for this mother. It was like some long, looooong drawn out drunk fest. It was like walking through life stoned. It was like seeing the world reflected in fun house mirrors. It was, well, it was bizarre.

And that's all I'm going to say about that whole experience.

On a brighter note, today we are celebrating our youngest daughter's birthday. She turned seven on Sunday, but because we were at the pageant all weekend, we elected to celebrate today instead. I'm baking her a four layer funfetti cake and we are having her favorite meal for dinner. What might that dinner be? Well, are you ready for this? It's chicken and proscuitto tortellini with a roasted red pepper alfredo sauce.

How many seven year olds do you know who would request chicken and proscuitto tortellini with roasted red pepper alfredo sauce for their birthday dinner?

What can I say?

My girls are special!

Updates

funny face~courtesy of oldest daughter

Have any of you missed me while I've been away?

What can I say?

I've been busy this past week.

Our youngest daughter turned seven on Sunday.

Our middle daughter was thrown from a horse over the weekend.

Our oldest daughter competed in her first (and last) beauty pageant.

And me?

Well, I'm completely and utterly insane.

....but more on that later!

Stay tuned!

I'll reveal the details later on this week.

Dreams within dreams

Last night I had a dream and it went something like this...

In my dream, I was waking up and getting out of bed. As I glanced down to slip my socks on over my feet, I was completely and utterly amazed to find a swaddled baby staring up at me. I promptly lifted the baby up to my shoulder, and began patting and cooing to the infant.

Much to my surprise, the baby began to purr.

In the blink of an eye, the dream shifted and I awoke again to find Don Gato, the family cat, purring contentedly in my arms.

Only, I wasn't really awake. I was dreaming in a dream.

Moments later, when I was well and truly awake, I found myself completely captivated by the whole experience. I don't think I have ever dreamed a dream within a dream. Forget about the whole baby-at-my-feet-morphing-into-a-purring-cat thing, which was weird enough, I was dreaming within a dream.

It was such a beautiful experience. It really was.

You see, I am convinced that there really are realities within realities and dreams within dreams. I am convinced that this life has depth and layers that beg our exploration.

The sad thing is, I sometimes forget what I know to be true and I slip into a soul numbing way of living upon the surface of my own life.

Last night's dream within a dream was such a lovely and gentle reminder to live deep, and to love deeper still.

I would hate to become like some dreamer stuck sleepwalking through the entirety of their own life's story.

I couldn't bear that.

Could you?

Concentration

~taken prior to eldest daughter's race at Champoeg.

I think the title of this post says it all.

Don't you?

Stars

Our oldest daughter made the front cover of Youth Runner magazine!

Is that cool or what?

Click here to see the photo!

My daughter is the young woman in the middle of the bottom row.

She was 25th out of 130 female runners, over a brutal 5K run.

She had a blast and considers her mud stained shirt her favorite trophy of the season.

Man, I love that kid.

In my book, she's such a star!

Doorway to Peace

"Peace Door"

Here's a photo of the neighborhood "Peace Door".

There are a lot of things that I really like about this particular doorway.

I love the peace banner. I love the sage green of the door contrasted with the grey of the house; and I have to tell you, I also love those unexpected splashes of orange accent color. For me, everything blends together and creates a visual aesthetic that makes me smile inside.

You can't see, but there's also the sweetest cement Buddha sitting under the rain spout just to the left of the porch. I always smile at the Buddha whenever I walk by. I just can't help myself.

Buddha is so round bellied, so jovial, so approachable. It's easy to smile at the Buddha when I pass.

Surprisingly, Buddha stands in sharp contrast to how I view God.

....and sometimes, I find this oddly perplexing.

You see, I don't see God as a round bellied, sweetly smiling God. I see him as a whippet thin, frowning, and finger pointing God. Maybe God is all sweet and smiley with you, but when he turns to see me, all of that holy rage of His wells up and shoots like a thunderbolt towards my lower than snail slime self.

That's why I'm convinced that God sent Jesus just for me.

Jesus doesn't curl my toes with fear. I can relate to Jesus. He's just a guy, a normal, ordinary guy. I trust Jesus.

I don't quite understand how I can love Jesus and still fear God as I do. I mean Jesus is God, right? But you know what? Right now, I'm totally fine with marking this whole situation down as yet another cosmic mystery, a sacred paradox.

I don't feel a need to judge it, or explore it, or explain it. I just let it be, because for right now, it's ok if it's just Jesus and me.

Jesus doesn't mind if I smile at the Buddha. Jesus doesn't fret because I'm sometimes afraid of God. Jesus doesn't seem overly concerned by my snail slime lineage, because instead of shooting thunderbolts my way, Jesus extends his hand in friendship.

My Christian friends don't understand me when I speak this way. I've struggled against that alot because I want others to understand so that I can feel less alone in this spiritual journey.

Then I remember. It's ok if it's just Jesus and me. I remember that with Christ, I am understood; with Christ, I am never alone. The rest, whatever the "rest" is, will fall into place when it's time.

In this respect, I suppose Jesus is my very own doorway to Peace.

I don't know about you, but I think that's kind of cool.

Señor Don Gato

Señor Don Gato~Family Cat Extraordinaire!

Yesterday as we were walking home from school, my youngest daughter (age 6) stopped to pet the neighbor's cat.

As the cat yowled and rubbed up against her legs she asked, "So why does Rob's cat meow differently than Señor Don Gato?"

To which my youngest son (age 9) promptly replied, "Duuuh, Señor Don Gato meows with a Spanish accent that's why."

I laughed.

Did you?

Buggin!

Isn't this just the coolest spidey picture ever?

I was on my way to pick our two youngest children from school when I spied this spider high up in the tree branches. Thanks to the super zoom feature on our new digital camera, I was able to capture this shot.

Now I know that this isn't the greatest photo, but hot damn, it's got me buggin!

Some of you might be wondering what had me looking up into the tree tops in the first place.

Well......just take a gander at these gorgeous Fall colors.

Yes, I know I said that I'd be posting some photos of doorways this week, but hey, my bad.

What can I say? When I saw this gorgeous display, all of a sudden my doorway photos just sort of paled in comparison.

Oh, what the hell! Here's a picture of a hobbit door in my neighborhood.

....and no, we don't have any real hobbits residing nearby; but for some strange reason, we do have lots of curved doors, and curved windows.

Hmmmm, now that I think about it, the folks who currently live in this particular house are a bit on the shorter side. Do you suppose they could be hobbits in disguise?

Wouldn't that be something?