The Final Five of 2005

Five things I did not accomplish in 2005, but hope to do in the year to come:

1) Clean my studio: since the robbery last Spring, I have not had the heart to clean the mess that was made. I think that I am finally beginning to feel the nudgings of my creative spirit pulling me to sort and to organize my remaining treasures....so who knows, maybe this will happen sooner, rather than later!

2) Open myself more fully to love: deep down, I still believe myself unworthy of love. Won't you join me in prayer for both myself, and for all of us who believe ourselves unworthy of gentleness, hope and compassion? Pray that our hearts soften and that our eyes open to the truth that God has created us in love and beauty. Pray that we touch upon our own precious belovedness, and that once we do, God's divine love will spread throughout our hearts and souls, flowing like a glorious river out into the world around us!

3) Take an art class...any class! Glass fusing, pottery, felting, bookbinding, painting, you name it, I'll sign myself up. I'm finally ready to admit that I need the tutelage of other artists, if I am to grow myself as an artist.

4) Watch less television. I mean, c'mon, do I really need to watch "Unwrapped" on the food channel? No matter how much I love my television shows, whatever "connection" I experience there, isn't real. I want real connection, the kind that means something. The kind that has impact, that is ripple producing...not mind numbing.

5) Try new foods. Would you believe that I tried creme brulée. for the first time yesterday? For years, I've thought "Ugh, custard? Why would I want to eat that?". All these years I've missed the velvety heaven of melt in your mouth vanilla creme brulée.! What other culinary delights have I missed due to my own judgmental, dismissive (and perhaps fearful) attitudes?

As you can see these are simple, realistic goals for the year 2006! Yet, if you read carefully, you will notice how each and every goal listed above is grounded in fear of some form. Whether it be the fear of trying something new, the fear of admitting that we do not know it all, the fear that we are not perfect, or the fear of simply letting ourselves be loved as we are, I think we are all held back from a beautiful and amazing future of possibility by the snares and entanglements of fear.

Won't you take some time today, and reflect upon what, if any, fears are evident in your life which limit and minimize the fuller life that I promise is available to you, to me, and to all of us?

Close the door on one fear and it becomes easier to face, confront and banish another.

Make 2006 your year!

STrange....

Want to know something really strange?

Last week I started an anonymous blog.

It's my place to vent, to purge, to pour out venom.

It's my place to unburden myself of my own sorrows, to cry in words, and oddly enough to even laugh at myself.

So, here's the strange part.

More people have read that blog in one week than come to this one.

This makes me kind of sad.

What accounts for this bizarre popularity of my Jerry Springer-esque blog?

Is it my gut level honesty that is so compelling, or the pitiful nature of my own bile?

Hmmmm strange, don't you think?

Five in 2005~part 3

Five of my favorite scriptures in 2005

1) "Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips"

Psalms 141:3

(I have a (mostly) latent penchant for gossip, and I often speak when I should listen. Hence, this is one of my all time favorite scriptures....some days it is more of a mantra than a bible verse.)

2) "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?"
Matthew 27:45-46

(Christ entered into man's alienation from God, He took it within himself, and experienced first hand the despair of my own separation from God. This is how I know Christ understands what it is to suffer with me. This is what encourages me to reach out to our Crucified Lord, who dares to love me even in my brokenness.)

3) "Now where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom"

2 Cor. 3:17

(Oh blessed freedom! Freedom from fear, freedom from self absorption, freedom for worry, freedom to love, freedom to explore, freedom to truly live! How great is this?)

4) Jesus says, "learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

Matthew 11:29

(Our God is gentle and humble in heart....what a thought, what a teacher!)

5) "The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

Zephaniah 3:17

(I just love this scripture! The thought that God would rejoice over me with singing...now that's just something to imagine, isn't it?)

Five in 2005~part 2

Dear friends, as you read through this list, please know that this is not an inclusive list. Many of you will not see your names here; but this does not mean that you have not touched my life in positive and life affirming ways.

Debb, Mendi, Bev, I think especially of you as I write this!

You are all loved and valued; and if I have not said this to you often enough, or perhaps not at all, then may 2006 be a time when each of us is affirmed in our belovedness.

Five people who have influenced my spiritual life in 2005:

1) My husband, a man who truly does model the love of Christ for me and for the rest of our family.

2) Patti, the most compassionate soul I've yet to meet, who is teaching me what it means to hold hands with the creator of our universe!

3) Carol, a theologian of sharp intellect and even sharper wit; a woman who challenges my gray matter to fire in new and unexpected ways!

4) The Neighborhood Lighthouse Group: a small group of Christian men and women who meet monthly to encourage one another as we live out the love of Christ in our daily lives within our neighborhoods.

5) Michele, because you are so nonjudgemental and loving, you have taught me more about the true spirit of reconciliation than you will ever know.

Five memorable events from 2005

1) The Tsunami

2) Hurricane Katrina

3) Kashmir Quake

4) The color purple on the index fingers of Iraqi citizens voting for the first time in 50 years...achieved through the (continuing) blood red loss of life and limb.

5) My own spiritual awakening.

Five friends from 2005

1) Michele~a friend who inspires me to be better than I ever dreamed possible.

2) Annie~a friend who loves me through my times of darkness.

3) Laura~a good friend, perhaps my only friend, who really, truly understands what it means when I say things like, "I don't know my own ass from a hot rock!"

4) Judy~a friend of great wisdom and gentleness.

5) Patti~a friend and spiritual mentor, who is helping me find my way as I hold God's hand through our eternal journey.

Five losses from 2005

1) Miki, a friend gone from this world, and the world is lesser for her absence.

2) Two family pets, Cocoa and Strawberry....two of the sweetest rats this side of domestication!

3) 20 pounds of blubber, gone!

4) Computer, computer software, car, digital camera, sewing scissors, fine silver beads (my own design), finished beadwork (again, my own design), portable air compressor, tool box (including my beloved drill), and some measure of my own peace of mind....all stolen in the great home robbery from Spring, 2005.

5) Hope...at times in 2005 I have felt as if all hope were lost to me. Utterly, completely and tragically lost.

Five in 2005

Five things I have learned in 2005

1) Suffering with God is better than suffering without Him.

2) It is easier for me to let God hold my hand, rather than my constantly grabbing for His!

3) Fasting is a worthy spiritual discipline.

4) Not all Christians are vapid.

5) I possess leadership qualities.

Five things I am grateful to have experienced in 2005

1) The love of family.

2) The love and compassion of God.

3) The gift of friendship

4) Green tea frappuccinos

5) The musical stylings of Jars of Clay (Redemption Songs), Death Cab for Cutie (Plans), and Green Day (American Idiot)~all new groups for me this year!

Five blogs I have read throughout 2005

1) A New Life Emerging

2) Jen Gray

3) My Little Place Online~ and then I always visit Bevvie Tales and Father Bob by following Debb's links!

4) Bad Christian

5) Altered Journey

Five books I have read in 2005

1) Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster

2) To Pray and To Love by Roberta Bondi

3) Quotidian Mysteries by Kathleen Norris

4) Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince by JK Rowling

5) Abba's Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging by Brennan Manning

Five books I would like to read:

1) Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro

2) The Wounded Healer by Henri Nouwen

3) The Gospel of Jesus: In Search of His Original Teachings by John Davidson

4) Why Do Men Have Nipples? Hundreds of Questions You'd Only Ask a Doctor After Your Third Martini by Leyner and Goldberg

5) Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith by Anne Lamott

Wonky pines with shallow roots!

This morning, as a warm winter wind whistled through the tall pine in my backyard, I realized the shallowness of my own faith. With every gust, I sensed the truth.

Deep down, I know that when the winds of this world blow through the branches of my own life, more often than not, I topple to the ground. My spiritual roots are insufficient to keep me upright.

Truth be told, I am a pitiful and wonky pine in God's eternal forest....

Do you suppose God ever tires of finding me prostrate and fallen, blown to smithereens and broken on the ground?

Do you suppose God ever grows weary of setting me upright again?

Sometimes I wonder how it is that I, a wonky pine with such shallow roots, should ever feel the gentle touch of God's hand...

...and yet, over and over again, that quiet love which saves, and redeems, and restores, lifts me from the muck and mire of my own shallow faith, so that I might once again face the gentle warmth of the sun, and the quiet stillness of the stars!

I suppose in some respects, I should be thankful for such shallow roots.

Some of us go through life and never know what it is to experience the sweetness of God's restorative grace.

If it weren't for my shallow roots, I doubt very much that I would ever feel compelled to cling to that true vine, Christ Jesus!

Even in my weakness, there is blessing!

On this Christmas morning, I give thanks to you Father God!

I give thanks to you for loving this wonky pine, shallow roots and all!

I thank you for the gift of your son, the true vine, and it is my prayer that we each become so entangled in Him, that none of us need ever fall!

What Christmas Figure Am I?

Ah Jerri, you are such a beautiful person!

You are like the peaceful snow on a winter day.

You are considered a calm person.

You find joy in tranquility and beauty.

You are one of those rare people who takes in deep breaths before anger hits you.
You have many great traits, and you get
along with people well.

Merry Christmas =)

What Christmas Figure Are You?

What if?

What if all I had ever hoped for
were suddenly available to me,
right here, and right now?

Would I dare
to receive God's love,
as it seamlessly flowed
through my life,
and through your life,
and onward
through eternity?

Would I have the courage
to live from that sacred place
where soul meets body?

I wonder....

Would I even dare to live at all?

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

It's snowing! It's snowing!

Beautiful white snowflakes are falling from the sky!

How long will it last?

Who cares?

For now, it is ours to enjoy!

Blessed be....

This morning I was up early.

The frost was heavy and the city was quiet.

I decided that I would celebrate the stillness with a Starbucks latte and scone....which took some doing, since I had to scrap the car windows like crazy before I could drive.

Once I had my coffee and orange cranberry scone, I settled in to read from the book of Luke. Luke's gospel account is beautiful. I enjoy Matthew, Mark and John as well, but this morning, it was the book of Luke which beckoned and invited me to once again enter into the Christmas story and into the life of Christ.

For some reason, out of the first six chapters that I read, this is the passage which struck me the most. Here it is:

Blessed be the Lord God of Israel, for he has looked favorably on his people and redeemed them.
Luke 1:68

Here's what happened to me when I read those words.

I cried.

Tears began streaming down my face and gratitude welled up from within me.

I think many Christians understand redemption in the traditional sense; that is to say, as "being saved from the bondage of sin". There's nothing wrong with this of course, and I don't mean to imply that there is; but for me, redemption means so, so much more.

For me ,"redemption" also means the "restoration of worth" and the "restoration of honor".

Don't you see? Yes Christ redeems us from our sin, but he also beckons us to understand our value and our belovedness. Yes, Christ saves us, but then He does something even more amazing. He bows before us and He offers us His kingdom.

Ok, don't slam me. I'm not a nincompoop. I understand that being saved from the bondage of sin is a big deal; but if you've ever felt completely and utterly worthless, if you've ever felt lower than amoeba dung, then you understand the mystery and miracle of finally touching upon your own belovedness.

Christ did that for me.

Blessed be the Lord God of Israel, for he has looked favorably upon his daughter Jerri, and he has redeemed her!

Life is for service.

At the center of the universe is a loving heart that continues to beat and that wants the best for every person.

Anything we can do to help foster the intellect and spirit and emotional growth of our fellow human beings, that is our job.

Those of us who have this particular vision must continue against all odds.

Life is for service.

mister rogers neighborhood - fred rogers - 1928-2003

********************************************************

2000 years ago, one tiny heart began beating within the womb of the woman-child, Mary.

That same heart still beats today.

It beats for you.

It is a loving heart. A merciful heart with a steady beat.

....and it beats for you.

Fartlore and a blog plug, all rolled into one!

If you have read my blog for any period of time, then you know that I am not adverse to some forms of "potty humor".

In the past I've reviewed the literary delights of books such as "Walter The Farting Dog" by William Kotzwinkle; and now, at long last, I have yet another suggestion for those of us who possess a perverse penchant for fartlore.

Yes indeed! Check out Jim Dawson's masterpiece, "Who Cut the Cheese? A Cultural History of The Fart"

It's hilarious and surprisingly well written.

Now sometimes people ask me how I find out about these unusual books. In the case of Kotzwinkle's book, let's just say that I've been a fan of Kotswinkle's work since my college days. As for Dawson's intellectual treatise on the history of fartdom, well I happened upon that little gem by reading Ninjanun's blog.

Check out the blog. She's an interesting read.

....fartlore and a blog plug all rolled into one!

Aren't you glad you stopped by today?

Rejuvenation time.

My brain is fried.

My spirit is frazzled.

I need time to rejuvenate, to meditate and to pray.

Please pardon my absence.

I'll be back soon enough though....never fear. (Pfft! Yeah right, like there are hordes of you waiting with baited breath for me to spout my rivers of wisdom! I'm a veritable fountain of something, right? LOL!)

Ok, adios for now!

Nutcracker mania!

I am absorbed in the magic of movement and light.
Movement never lies.
It is the magic of what I call the outer space of the imagination.
There is a great deal of outer space,
distant from our daily lives,
where I feel our imagination wanders sometimes.
It will find a planet or it will not find a planet,
and that is what a dancer does.
~Martha Graham (1894-1991)

This weekend, is our "Nutcracker" weekend.

And we are doubly blessed this year, because we have not one, but two little ballerinas dancing in our community's local production.

After watching them rehearse these past few weeks, I think that I have finally begun to understand the magic of movement and light in a new, and dare I say "inspired" way.

Over and over again....with every jeté and plié, these young dancers have teased the outer space of my own imagination into a new awareness of the worlds both within, and around me.

It is not yet opening night, and already I see how each ballerina has become a dancing, spinning, heavenly body in this universe of magic and light!

I find it puzzling that I experience the tedium of rehearsal in this way; because the funny thing is....

I don't particularly enjoy ballet!

My own little piece of heaven.

Children are the hands by which we take hold of Heaven.

Henry Ward Beecher

Today we celebrate eight wonderful years.

What an amazing child this....

full of laughter,

brimming with joy,

and loving towards all who cross his path.

It was you my son,

who taught me that children are a gift from God.

Thank you dear child,

for extending your hands,

and for pulling this world weary woman

into that peaceful joy,

we call heaven.

Blog Plug!

You know what?

I haven't given a blog plug in a couple of weeks now, so here's a good one!

Above The Orange Trees!

Now this blog is written by Jeff Pitcher and some of you need to be forewarned. Jeff writes with a "salty" pen....or, in other words, he uses the "f" word a lot.

I, myself am not easily offended. Salty language does not bother me. In fact, I have been known to scream the "f" word on a few occasions myself.

Ahhh but I digress, I like Jeff's style and I love some of his music.

If you are into the Indie/folk/experimental music genre, be sure to hop on over to Jeff's "my space" page. Go ahead! You know you want to listen to a few of his tunes!

Alrighty then! That's enough plugging for one Sunday morning!

Adios!

"J" is for Jesus!

This past week my preschooler brought home a little project that she needed to complete and then return to preschool the following day.

The project was something crafty, something my daughter very much wanted to work on by herself, and so I initially I didn't pay much attention beyond preparing a clean work surface for her.

At one point, I was walking by and I stopped to watch her work. She was busily gluing little Christmas trees and stars to a foam rubber cut out, shaped like a "J".

"Wow!" I said, "I just love how you are decorating that little "J" for Jesus!"

She stopped working, gave me an exasperated look and said, "Uhhh Mom, this is a candy cane, ok?" (Heavy emphasis on "candy cane".)

"Oh right, so it is." I replied. "Good job with all that gluing."

"Thanks Mom!"

Now, I suppose some Mothers might prefer that their children be decorating little J's for Jesus this time of year; but, I know that my children understand the reason for the season, so I don't feel particularly threatened by candy canes, Santa Claus, or Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

So why do I bother with sharing this little mundane snap shot of our lives?

I share it because it shows just how radically and unalterably my perception of who Christ is in my life, has changed.

You see for me, Jesus has become everything! Where others might only see candy canes, I now see only Him!

You cannot understand what a miracle this is, or how profound this change truly is without understanding that for most of my life, candy canes were just candy canes and Santa Claus was the closest thing to God I had ever known.

Long ago, when I was only eight years old, I learned that Santa Claus wasn't real. When that happened, God became unreal too. For nearly 36 years of my life, Christmas for me, has been nothing more than an annual foray into another season of anxiety and crushed hope.

So now do you understand?

Do you begin to understand how truly miraculous it is that I now believe that the hope of human kind was born on Christmas Day?

Do you begin to sense the significance of Christ in my life.....in all of our lives?

.....Hope incarnate.

........Hope enfleshed.

............Jesus!

What a life!

Ok, I admit it.

I may not read the entirety of our local daily newspaper; but, I almost always read the obituaries.

When I was a little girl I would read the obituary page. I don't believe that this habit developed out of a morbid curiosity over death....or maybe it did. I don't know.

All I know is that my parents thought I was strange for reading the obituaries back then, and that my children think I am strange for doing this now.

So I guess the verdict is in.

I am strange.

LOL!

Well, strange I may be, but if I did not read the obituaries I would have missed this gem. It is marvelous. This is a man I would have liked to have known.

Read on! What a tribute to the life of a man named, Ted A. Conrad.


Ted A. Conrad
December 23, 1928 - December 01, 2005

SILVERTON - I lived marching to my own drummer. So, at my request, no services of any kind were held, my headstone in Silverton’s own Boot Hill will say, “I always did my best,” and I wrote this obit myself.

My life was a superb adventure, which I lived to the hilt, immensely enjoying 99.3% of it. Like everyone else, I was dealt a hand or two off the bottom of the deck but the vast majority were off the top, good hands, well played. I’m grateful. I’m one of the super fortunate that got to accomplish every major goal I set for myself. I proudly served in the Marine Corps at the tail end of World War II. I became the Pacific Coast (seven western states) Champion race car driver. I was an executive in the business world doing work I enjoyed for an honorable company and a fine boss. I retired (quit) early so Aileen and I, with major help from my brother Bob, could hand build our log home way out in the woods of Washington state. A fine adventure.

I married (one at a time) all three of the women I loved: Nancy, Patricia, and Aileen. Nancy and I had a son, Christian, that got off of me like a dirty shirt in the early 1980’s for reasons unknown to me. Too bad. Wish he hadn’t. Bad hand.

Since 1986, I had the truly great pleasure of living in a fine old house in delightful little Silverton. Longest I lived in one place. It was an interesting and (mostly) an enjoyable experience to be a member of the Silverton Fire District Board of Directors and the City Council.

I had a scad of acquaintances, a few good friends and a bunch of enjoyable relatives. Drove fine automobiles, wore tailor-made clothes, drank the best liquor, ate at the finest restaurants. All told, I lived pretty high on the hog.

If you’re feelin’ flush, you could toss a coin into the tambourine for the Salvation Army or the Humane Society.

Along with the Eye of Ra now watching over her, please be especially nice to Aileen now. She is an exceptionally fine lady well deserving of your kindness and support. Unless she decides to leave Silverton, in which case it is OK to hiss at and boo her.

Adios to all. Thanks for your friendship. I always knew it was valuable. Time to put the trusty old portable manual typewriter away now. If I were on stage I would bow to you, with a flourish. Then exit stage left to the strains of the beautiful French horns in Mamzelle Angot as the lights dim to dark. Fare thee well -- especially Aileen.

Be honest now -- wasn’t reading this much better than feeling halfway obligated to attend some somber old drag of a funeral? Damn rights!

Broken hearted....

Today my heart is broken.

I feel the sliver shard ache of a heart splintered by the news that a friend has made a series of mistakes that will have serious life consequences.

Consequences that will involve the loss of freedom to incarceration, the loss of a child to the Department of Human Resources, as well as the possible loss of their home.

The tears have come and gone; but the sorrow lingers and the sliver shard ache of my heart brings me to my knees in prayer.

Merciful Father,

do you feel how my heart splinters

and my soul sorrows for the brokenness of your children?

Forgive me Father.

Today I cannot find the words to praise you.

I cannot find the words to thank you.

I have only one question Lord.

How much longer must we all suffer?