Thank you God!

Yesterday I began my morning walk a bit later than usual. It was probably about 9:00 am or so, and when I stepped outside, I found myself startled by the brightness of the moon contrasted against the cerulean blue of sky.

And yes, since I rarely leave home without my camera these days, I snapped the photo you see above.

I love this photo. I love it because in a very real and very poignant way, this photo manages to capture that magical, never ending vibe of late summer. Can't you just see the way time seems to have lost its edge as the crispness of each day melts into the lengthening night? Or maybe, in this instance, I have that all backwards. Maybe I really mean to say that time has lost its edge as the lengthening night stretches into the crispness of each day?

Either way, these late summer days magically seem longer, more mellow, more refined...even though in truth, the days are shorter now. Time has grown all blurry. Late summer is upon us and I love it. I love every sweetly drawn hour, every minute, every second.

All I can say is, thank you God for the sweetness of this season.

Thank you God.

Thank you!

Behind

Today, I am just dirty dog tired.

I am behind in everything.

I am behind with answering my e-mail.

I am behind with returning my phone calls.

I am behind with my household chores.

I am behind with composing the next great earth shattering blog post.

I am behind with my scripture reading.

I am behind in my own prayer life.

I am behind my behind which is behind something else I'm sure I'm behind.

Crap.

I hate this.

Morning splendor...

Lately I've gotten into the habit of grabbing my new Canon S5 IS every time I head out on my morning walk.

Here are a few photos I snapped this morning.

As you can see, we've had rain recently. Not a lot of rain mind you, but certainly enough to get the ground wet.

Here's a pink rose bud.....



Here's a ladybug resting upon an unopened sunflower blossom.



A passion flower from our new vine.



And last but not least, some weird little berries I found along the way.



It does the soul good to see such splendor in the morning!

Summer Wanes

Here is a recent photo of my six year old daughter, my baby.

When I look at this photo, I cannot help but notice the sweetness about the gentle curve of her mouth.

I see the innocent dreams of childhood swirling in her hazel eyes.

When I look at this image of my beautiful child, I see the waning summer in her overly long bangs.

I see the sunshine of days past sprinkled across the bridge of her nose as hundreds of tiny freckles dance in a light brown contrast to her ivory skin.

When I look at this photo, I see my precious baby and I cannot help but remember that 11 days from now, she will enter the first grade. She will leave me and I will be home alone, all day, for the first time in 17 years.

It will be so strange to be in my house without the sound of a child laughing, singing, demanding, questioning.

People have asked me what I intend to do with myself now that all of the children will be in school from 8:30 am until 3:15 pm.

I honestly don't know how to answer that question.

I do know that I hope to take a spanish language class. I hope to spend more time engaging God through prayer, scripture reading, long walks together and coffee dates. I hope to continue mentoring women as they pursue recovery, healthy community and their education. I hope to experience a few stolen hours every now and then with my husband....quiet, intimate moments, unhindered by the demands of the life we have created together.

I hope for many things; but mostly I hope that this beautiful child of mine will continue to smile that sweet smile of hers. I hope that her eyes will always be filled with innocence of her own dreams. I hope that no matter what this life dishes out to her, she will meet each challenge with courage, compassion and hope.

These are the same hopes I have for all of my children.

Truth be told, these are they very same hopes I hold for myself.

Please God, help me to be kind.

God, help me to be brave.

God, help me remember how much I am loved.

Please God, help me.

Amen

"The Story"

I kind of doubt that Ms. Carlile intended for "The Story" to be a song about her relationship with God.

I have to tell you though, if I had her voice and her gift for song, this is precisely the kind of "joyful noise" that I would want to offer up to God today.

Below are the lyrics for "The Story":

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
Yeah you do and I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth
Is hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what I've been through but you do
And I was made for you...

Coming of age

My oldest son just turned 15

One of the gifts he received on his birthday was the 2008 Guitar Buyer's Guide.

This picture of him holding the magazine really cracked me up.

....I mean just look at his face!

What do you suppose accounts for that silly little grin and his wide eyed gaze?

Could it be the scantily clad "forbidden girls of myspace" provocatively positioned upon the magazine's cover?

Or maybe, just maybe, his mind is all a'whirl thinking about the plethora of guitars that lie waiting to tempt him inside that risque cover?

Now me? I like to think he's dreaming of owning a Paul Reed Smith....but then again, I'm his mother.

Learning to love.....

Here's a photo of Lily D. Dog.

I'm learning to love my new camera!

Equations

Twelve years ago, I was a raging alcoholic and I mean raging in the purest sense of the word.

I'd have a drink and I'd rage. I'd rage against all of the people who'd ever harmed me. I'd rage against all of the people who'd ever helped me. I'd rage against the living and the dead. I'd rage against the seen and the unseen, against God and against evil. Put quite simply, I was filled with rage.

I wasn't a pretty sight, drunk or sober. The rage was always there, simmering under the surface. Drinking alcohol allowed me to lower my inhibitions long enough for that incredible anger to come roiling up out of me with a violent, volcanic force. For a long time, drinking provided a kind of pressure release, but it also created far more problems that it ever solved.

People drink for different reasons. I drank because I was an angry, fearful person with alcoholic tendencies. Let's see: anger + fear + alcoholic tendencies = alcoholism. It's not rocket science, is it?

When I got sober, I had to deal with all of that rage. I had to confront my own loneliness and my own fear. I had to learn how to live within my own skin. I cannot begin to tell you all how incredibly painful and slow that process was....and in many respects, still is.

The twelve steps of alcoholics anonymous and the fellowship I found in the rooms of AA, was the framework upon which I built my recovery journey. Christ was tagging along too; although at the time, I hardly understood much less recognized that fact. Meeting Him, happened much further down the road......

You know, I'm not sure why I'm writing this today. I'm sure you'd all rather hear about our Sunday Brunch menu plans. Hmmmm, am I right? (Ok, well here's a teaser: chilled sweet yellow pepper soup)

All kidding aside, I think it's important that I say this:

If you are drinking/using and you hate yourself, your life, your addiction. There is hope. You CAN find recovery. Call your local alcohol/drug resource line. Get into detox. Get to an NA or AA meeting. Do whatever it takes. Do it now. Find recovery. Choose life.

A snippet...

....from my life!

Yesterday, as my darling six year old daughter sat munching her way through a bowl of freshly popped corn she says, "Mmmmm, mommy you could be a popcorn chef!"

I snorted, because like duh, I am a freaking popcorn chef!

What's my secret you ask?

Pop Secret Homestyle microwave popcorn of course!

Popcorn chef indeed!

**************

Want to see something that's kind of funny?

Check out the Pop Secret Theater!

Once you are in the theater, click the crow for "A Day in the Park."

I thought the guy in the suit was hilarious!

Buyer's remorse? NOT (yet)!

I've been without a camera since May 18, 2005.

As some of you may remember, we experienced a home robbery on that date. A robbery which left us without a car, computer, and yes, my beloved little Nikon digital camera. (Other items were taken as well......but I won't bore you by detailing all of those losses here.)

I'm truly hoping that good things come to those who wait, because after two long years, I've just ordered the new Canon S5 IS as my replacement camera.

Those of you who know me, know how hard it is for me to buy anything "nice" for myself. Making this purchase was so difficult.

Even now, I struggle with buyer's remorse. I don't regret this purchase in the traditional sense. You see, I can't help but wonder how many people I might have helped with the five hundred bucks I just spent on the camera, the battery recharger, the 4 GB memory card and the camera case. At the very least, that money would have helped one of the homeless families we know pay a rental deposit for an apartment.

The selfish part of me wants to justify this purchase.

I keep telling myself things like, "Oh, but this isn't just for you, Jerri. Think how nice it will be to upload video on your blog for all of your family to see. Think how nice it will be for Janiss, Jim, Dempsey, Linda, JoAnn, Mendi and all the rest of the family spread across the US to see the video of the kids fencing, dancing, and running. Think how nice it will be to finally be able to record photos of the birthday parties, the quiet moments spent snuggling on the couch, the gorgeous Fall colors, ect., ect. Oh yes, think how nice it will be to have this new toy, this marvel of technology"

Plus, I've had to wait two years dammit. Don't I deserve a camera? Don't I? What about meeee?

Ok, so here's the deal. I am selfish. I struggle against that all the time. And yes, I could have used that money to benefit many of our neighbors in need. I could have purchased a cheaper camera. I could have bought a camera that took decent photos with decent video capabilities for about half the price I just spent on the S5 IS. I could have spent the balance helping others....but I didn't.

I spent the big bucks on a camera with quite a few bells and whistles because it will best benefit me, my family and my husband's business. My husband needs a point and shoot camera with zoom capabilities for evidence/crime scene photos. Bottom line, this purchase isn't/wasn't just about me. My husband truly needs a decent camera for his business and after quite a bit of research, we've determined that the S5 IS is the best camera to meet those needs.

Knowing this as I do, I don't feel the guilt I thought I would.

Is that a bad thing? In light of what we just discussed at our family brunch this past Sunday, shouldn't I feel a greater sense of complicity or guilt?

I don't have the answers to those questions.

If this purchase is not a part of God's desire for our family, I pray He makes that known to us.

My heart is willing.

In the face of my own selfishness, I cling to that.