Tragedy

From The Tennessean:

One of contemporary Christian music star Steven Curtis Chapman’s six children was killed this afternoon when she was struck by a car said to be driven by her teenage brother in the driveway of the family’s Williamson County home.

The child, Maria, age 5, was taken by LifeFlight to Vanderbilt Hospital, which confirmed the death, according to Laura McPherson, a spokeswoman for the Tennessee Highway Patrol.
She was hit by an SUV driven by her teenage brother, she said. Police did not give the driver’s name.

The teen was driving a Toyota Land Cruiser down the driveway of the rural home at about 5:30 p.m. and several children were playing in the area, McPherson said. He did not see the 5-year-old in the driveway before the vehicle struck her, she said.

A reminder:
Tragedy may strike anyone, at any time.
Please pray for the Chapman family.

Conflicted

I have no delusions regarding my own issues with codependency.

I often struggle with my desire to be all things, for all people. I want to be liked. I hate saying "no".

I rarely feel that I am good enough.

I am embarrassed to receive praise or gifts.

I feel guilty whenever I assert myself or choose my own needs/desires over the needs/desires of others.

....so, there you have it.

My very own list of classic codependency traits/characteristics.

Ugh!

Most time, I am aware of these patterns of behavior and I'm able nip the more destructive consequences of my codependency in the bud.

Recently however, I have found myself horribly conflicted.

Quite some time ago, I commited to helping with a yearly fundraising event for a local nonprofit. I helped with the event mailing, and I was scheduled to assist with seating at the actual event this coming Thursday.

Today, we learned that my husband will need to make an all expense paid business trip to Seattle; and what's more, for very little additional expense, I and our two youngest children, would be able to accompany him!

The only hitch in this plan is that I am scheduled to meet, greet, and seat folks at the nonprofit event the same evening we would be out of town.

Holy Crap! Talk about conflicted. Do I go? Do I stay? Every codependent trait I possess has flaired up and clouded my ability to make a rational decision.....which ironically, is a difficulty that in and of itself, characterizes codependency!

Soooo, I called the nonprofit event co-ordinator and asked if it would be possible to be excused from this commitment without placing them in a bind. I explained the situation and stated that my first priority was to honor my commitment to the event, but if it were possible to be released, I would very much like to travel with my husband and children to spend several days in Seattle.

The event coordinator was very gracious. She felt that it would be terrible for our family to miss this opportunity, and insisted that even though they were short staffed for volunteers, I should go.

I want to go. I mean I really want to go, but I am so damn conflicted. I have a previous commitment and I should honor that commitment, right? How could I possibly flake out at the last minute? After all, people are counting on me. I'm even acknowledged in the program bulletin as a kind hearted volunteer for Pete's sake. What's wrong with me? How could I even think to go to Seattle and leave this worthy nonprofit organization high and dry?

And this is where I just get so confused and upset and beat myself all to shit because I want to go to Seattle, but I don't want to disappoint the people who are counting on me. And now, I am trying to decide whether I should go, or whether I should just stay and honor my 45 minutes of seating and greeting.

In all honesty, I'm having difficulties untangling my own self-interest, from my issues with codependency, from doing the right thing.

I'm a mess. A tangled up, whimpering mess.

Ask me how to budget $840,000 for our city's social services and I could answer you with three very short, articulate and comprehensible sentences.

Ask me whether I should go to Seattle this coming Thursday and I guarantee you that I'd burst into a blubbering, incomprehensible mess of a woman.

The whole situation is just ridiculous.

I have no clue what I'm going to do.

ARGH!

H*E*L*P

Jen Lemen is one of my blogging heroes.

This weekend, Jen has preview copies of her new zine for sale on etsy. Click HERE to read all about Jen's new zine.

I was touched by Odette's amazing and hope-filled story. If you think you might like to buy a copy of your own, well then, you had better hurry. There are only 18 copies left.

I bought two. One for my own family and one to give away.

What are you waiting for?

Click HERE, open your pocket book, and join the other 332 of us as we help to make the world a better place!

Ouch!

I watched this YouTube video and knew right away that it was a great metaphor for my entire life....

Ok, maybe not my entire life; but dang it all, every time I think I'm getting ahead, this sort of thing happens to me.

Oh just watch the video and then you'll see what I mean!

Prom Queen

I wish I had more Senior prom pictures, but I don't.

A friend recently sent me this picture of her daughter and mine, taken the evening of Senior Prom.

Oldest daughter is the girl in blue!

For those of you requesting prom pictures, this is the best that I can do!

Enjoy!

Etnies

My Etnies are shot.

This pair was given to me by a teen down the street and they've served me well.

I've put many a mile on these shoes.

I've learned some interesting things in these shoes. For instance, I've learned that women over 40 generally do not wear Etnies. I've also learned that women over 40 ought not mix a pink lace with a black lace unless they are willing to risk a fair amount of condemnation from the Fashionistas.

Folks in my church frowned on my shoes. The younger generation thought I was too old to be wearing them and my generation assumed I was trying too hard to be hip.

...but sometimes, a pair of shoes is just a pair of shoes; or in my case, a pair of hand me down Etnies with mismatched laces.

The young girl who gave me these shoes did so out of her genuine concern for my lack of decent footwear. At the time, I was wearing a pair of ratty old sneakers that I'd already patched together several times with two part epoxy.

I thought it was incredibly sweet of her to gift me with a pair of her own shoes.

And I must say, that these shoes are special to me, not because they are Etnies (apparently a desirable and expensive board shoe brand), not because they make some kind of (fashion or hip-o-meter) statement, but because they were so sweetly given and quite comfortable to boot.

I feel as though my Etnies have borne me upon the soles of grace, generosity and great affection.

...and that is why I shall miss them so deeply.

Even if I buy a new pair of Etnies, they won't have the soulful soles of my old pair.

And that my friends, is the story of my black and pink lace Etnies.

May they rest in peace.

Naturally Nested

"Naturally Nested Chicken Eggs"


Up close and personal!

My family doesn't eat many eggs.

Generally speaking, one dozen eggs is sufficient to meet our weekly egg needs.

I suppose that's why I was more than a little surprised when I went to scramble two eggs for myself and I only found four little cackleberries nestled in an egg carton that I had just purchased the day before. I couldn't help but wonder where the other eight eggs had gone. It all just seemed so odd.

A few days later, I went out to the garden to pull an onion for dinner and what do you suppose I found?

Yup, you guessed it! I found my eight missing eggs evenly divided into four little nests!

I'm not sure which of my progeny decided to "naturally nest" our chicken eggs, but I do know this.

Those eggs smell to high heaven!

Testify

This evening I had the opportunity to speak to our City Council regarding funding for our city's Social Service Programs. Each person testifying tonite was allotted three minutes to speak. It will probably take you much longer to read.

Here's my testimony:

I'm here this evening because I would like to give you all a picture, a snapshot if you will, of the ways in which my very average, very ordinary life has intersected with some of the crisis need that exists in our community.

My oldest daughter will be graduating this Spring from Blah Blah High School; but a few years ago, when she was still in middle school, her father and I learned that one of her classmates, had begun prostituting herself and that she had done so, because having one parent in prison and having been abandoned by her remaining parent, this fourteen year old girl believed she had no other means of securing food and shelter. It's now four years later, and I still can't quite get my mind around the fact that a fourteen year old child was selling her body on our city streets because she, through no fault of her own, had found herself bereft of food and shelter.

Bereft.

People don't use that word any more, but I've deliberately chosen it for tonite because bereft means grievously denied.

And if that story isn't shocking enough, I can tell you since that time, I've met other young people who've experienced similar difficulties and who've also been grievously denied the necessities of life.

If I had more time, I would tell you about the 10 year old boy who was visiting us in our home and confided that his family didn't always have enough food eat. Or I would tell you about the single mother of two elementary school age children, who was terminally ill and had her utilities shut off in mid-February because of her inablity to pay her power bill.

Or maybe I would tell you about the homeless single father and his teen son whom we welcomed into our own home because at the time when they needed shelter most, the family shelters in our city were already full.

I realize that the General Fund dollars available for funding social services are dwindling, but please, you must understand that crises need in our community is rising. Now, of all times, is not the time to cut $50,000 from the social services budget.

I'm sure you've all heard that saying that says, "a community is only as strong as its weakest link"? Well there's a second part to that saying which we don't often hear that says, "the weakest link is also the strongest link, precisely because it is the one link with the greatest potential to break the chain."

I believe underfunding social serivces at this critical time, will weaken the social services link in our city's chain. And if that link breaks it will do so at enormous human cost and significant financial cost to our city as well.

Thank you for letting me testify this evening.

Necessary Desires

Desiderata
by Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

~I've emboldened the lines that speak some of the essential truths my soul often needs to hear.
If you could whisper to your own soul, what truths would you speak?

Happiness

Happiness is...

An early morning coffee date with a good friend.

A new pair of heart earrings lovingly crafted by the flame goddess herself, Michele Goldstein.

Listening to the new Weepies cd.

....and, last but not least, happiness is buying organic mushrooms on the very first day of the new Farmer's Market season!

I am blessed.

Loss

The death of child is too much for this mother's heart to comprehend.

Yesterday a 10 year old boy, a child well known and loved by my youngest son and youngest daughter, died from a brain tumor.

My children are grieving.

They ask me:

"Did Dae Hon suffer when he died?"

"Is his family ok?"

"Why did Dae Hon have to die?"

"Do you think Dae Hon is happy in heaven without his family?"

"Mom, why do I feel so guilty?"

I don't think it matters how old you are, or how many loved ones you've lost, or how much you've been able to prepare yourself, when death comes there are no answers, or explanations that can assauge the aching loss that beats in rhythm with a mourner's heart.

I don't have much more to say, except that we are sad today and that we are praying for Dae Hon's family.

This such an incredible loss for us all.

Life

Jesus said:

You diligently study the Scriptures because you think that by them you possess eternal life. These are the Scriptures that testify about me, yet you refuse to come to me to have life.
John 5:39-40

I know people who read their Bibles with a rabid ferocity. They are so insistent that the Bible is the only way to know God and that it is the only true blueprint for living that they come off a little, oh I don't know, INSANE?

Seriously, there are times when I half expect that I might actually see one of those individuals walking about town all wild-eyed, with flecks of foam and partially masticated paper bible passages stuck to their lips. It's as if they are compelled to chew up biblical passages. They tear holy words apart and dissect sacred meanings.

I suspect that theirs is a hunger fueled by their own need for control, rather than a genuine hunger for God.

Me? I don't feel particularly driven to read the Bible; so much so, that I can go days without reading Scripture. In fact, I could probably go weeks and months without purposefully reading my Bible.

For this, I've been harshly criticized by my brothers and sisters in Christ. One alarmed Christian acquaintance even went so far as to suggest that I could not possibly call myself a true Christian if I did not faithfully read the Holy Bible.

Don't get me wrong, I believe that the Holy Bible is resplendent with the message of God's love for us. I think where I differ from many in Christendom, is that I choose to hold that message tenderly. I choose active conversation with God over memorizing the written word. I choose to live out the words of Christ rather than debating them.

I can understand why some folks passionately love their Bibles; but it seems to me, that Jesus himself enjoins us to remember that loving our Bibles is not the way. Christ is the way, the truth and the light. It is our relationship with Him, and the way we live out of that relationship in the world around us that brings glory to God and ourselves into eternal life.

But hey, what do I know?

I am at such a crossroads in my spiritual and my personal life. I am questioning so many things and I feel so small, so insignificant, so unimportant. There are so many walls in this world. Walls in my relationship with the church, walls in my relationships with friends, walls that thwart my attempts to effect change and social justice in my community. I feel as though I am constantly running into walls.

Being excluded from church social events because I suggest the theory of evolution is not contradictory to believing the Bible. WHAM! That's a wall.

Being excluded from testifying at a city council meeting because I represent a high needs demographic in our community that no one wants to deal with, or pay for, or acknowledge. BAM! That's a wall.

....and sometimes I just want to scream at God and tell him to take down the damn walls. He's all-powerful. Cut me some slack already and at least show me the door so I can quit ramming my head into all these damn walls.

Then I remember, oh yeah, I already have my door. Jesus. And you know what? Back in His day, Jesus encountered quite a few walls himself. Big walls. And look where that got him...strung up on a cross and crucified.

Don't mind me. Right now, life is kicking me in the ass and I'm loopy from the transient brain damage I've suffered from all my wall ramming.

and I just feel so discouraged,

.....and so very, very small.