Why Recovery?

Years ago, over a decade ago actually, my husband had a case which involved a mentally ill man who lived in a small high desert community.

The thing I most remember about this case, is that even after this poor man's dog had died, he would still attach a leash to Fido's collar and drag the dog's corpse behind him as he biked throughout his community on his old, rusted out Schwinn.

Wherever he would go, and whenever he would stop, whether it was to the grocery store or to the city library, this fellow would carefully tie his dead dog to the parking meters that sat all along the main street of his community.

I'm not sure why I was thinking about this particular man today. I suppose it is because I sometimes have days of my own where I feel as if I am dragging the corpses of old regrets and resentments, the corpses of bitter memories, as well as the corpses of loved ones whom I refuse to let go.

On those days, it's as if I'm peddling along in my own life, just as that man did in his own high desert community; and just like that fellow, I'm dragging all manner of the festering thoughts and behaviors behind me.

The regrets torment me. The resentments anger me. The bitter memories haunt me. The loved ones just smile sad, sweet smiles. And every time I stop to rest, or to eat, to work or to play....I make sure that I carefully tie each regret, each resentment, each memory and each beloved, to the same secure and stationary object.

I suppose dragging around one's painful memories, resentments and regrets is a sort of madness. Refusing to let go of loved ones, whether dead or alive is yet another kind of madness.

I'm certain that in my own way, I'm quite mad for tying myself to the very things that prevent me from living fully in my present and I suppose that I'm totally insane for dragging around the very things which disallow the possibilities of my future.

In the end you see, I'm not really all that different from the poor fellow who couldn't stop himself from dragging his dead dog through the streets. In fact, the only real difference between myself and my husband's former client, is that I'm well aware of what I'm doing.

My husband's client never really understood the stares, or the whispers, the tongue clucking or the disgusted looks that greeted him whenever he squeakingly appeared with his dead dog in tow. For him, his dog was still alive, running behind his rusty old Schwinn, with that lopsided, goofy gait that dogs sometimes have.

I, on the other hand do understand. I understand all to well that I sometimes choose to drag the dead and rotting pieces of my life behind me.

There is enormous pain in knowing that I've tied myself to the decay that doesn't belong with me anymore; but, therein lies my solution as well! Unlike my husband's client, I know that I must, and that I can let go. It's a simple process really: acknowledge, feel, release and heal.

This is what my recovery journey is all about. This is what I do in my recovery groups month after month. Tether by tether, I am freeing myself from the decay of my past to be transformed into the person God intends for me to be....a vibrant, unhindered and passionate woman!

I think we all sometimes tie ourselves to things that don't belong with us. Sometimes life itself ties them to us. Either way, we all have the power to choose whether or not we drag that wreckage of our pasts behind us. For myself, I choose to acknowledge, to feel, to release and to heal!

I choose freedom.

This is what recovery is all about, empowering ourselves and one another to live achingly vibrant, and passionate lives!

Why recovery?

Why choose anything less?