A soul heavy day.

I feel such a weariness today.

And sadness, oh how the sadness has seeped through both my pores and through the hours of my day.....

This morning I was witness to considerable filth and deprivation.

Right here, in my neighborhood, just a few blocks away from where we live, lived another family.

The mother of this family is currently fighting cancer, and the children are lovely children who attend the same elementary school as my own children. The father is no longer a part of their family, as he has made a new family with another woman.

I've delivered meals to this family every week for about six months now. I, along with four other families in our neighborhood, have tried to be loving and supportive neighbors.

In all this time, I've never been invited inside this family's home. I suspected the reason was a dirty house....after all, how could any mother with two young children receive an aggressive regimen of chemotherapy and still manage to keep a clean home without considerable help?

Well, last week (unbeknownst to me) this family received an eviction notice and early this morning, I was asked to help them remove their possesions from the property.

When I arrived, it immediately became clear to me that an untidy home had been the least of their problems. It appeared to me, that for some time anyway, they had been living without any utilities.

That's right, no water, no lights, no heat.....

As I surveyed the mess, and breathed in the smells, my heart literally broke into a thousand pieces. My sorrow was so acute, that I almost grew dizzy as my heart simply exploded, unable to contain the unspeakable sadness I felt for this family.

I helped as best as I could, and when I left, I quietly prayed that this family would soon have what I have...a new home with working lights, and flushing toilets, a home filled with love, security and good health.

Then, later on this afternoon, I learned that a woman whom I have been mentoring for our local county drug court was sanctioned today for failing to keep in contact with me as the court had mandated. She was taken into custody and will spend several days in the county jail.

Never in a million years did I expect the Judge to sanction this woman in this manner; and even though I know the fault is not my own, I feel such complicity and guilt.

As I sit here, I imagine one woman who is incarcerated this evening and I know the pain it causes her. I imagine another woman, who is currently homeless and who struggles with the uncertainty of her own future.

And I realize now, more than ever, that I cannot fix anyone.

I cannot even fix myself.

I cannot save anyone.

I cannot even save myself.

All that I can do is to continue to love.

And if this means that I must continue to personally confront deprivation, poverty and sorrow; if this means that I must continue to risk rejection and blame, then I can say with all confidence that I am still willing to love, to be present, to risk my own vulnerability.

But doing so comes as such a price.....

...because right now, my soul is so heavy, that all I can do is fall to my knees, bow my head and sob an incomprehensible prayer.