Second Rate Christian?

I've always had the feeling that I'm a second rate kind of Christian.

I don't understand God the way others do. I don't talk to God the way others do. I don't experience Him the way others do. I just kind of flounder around and reach for Him as best I can. Sometimes I don't even do that, sometimes I just flounder.....

Right now, if you were to ask me how I would describe my spiritual life, I would tell you that I am currently experiencing an electrical short in my spiritual wiring. That's certainly the image that comes to my mind when I consider my spiritual life. I feel like I'm one of those downed power lines that hisses and spits and sparks all over the place. I feel cut off, and disconnected, and angry.

I do not like how this disconnected feeling forces me to look inward and confront my own failures, anxiety and self condemnation.

I have an intense aversion to looking upon my own flawed soulscape.....and yet this is precisely what I find myself compelled to do. Moreover, I feel compelled to do this in God's presence and I am afraid. What if God doesn't see me through the eyes of His perfect love?

Somewhere, deep within my spirit, there is a part of me that does not waver between belief and unbelief. It exists as a quiet rustling and a gentle murmuring, which says to me, "Fear not Jerri. God loved you before, He loves you now and He will love you always."

I suppose that some might call this "faith"; but I don't feel the need to name it. Right now, I just have the desire to believe it, and do you know what?

I think that I do.

Jerri