My warring willies

I feel as though I am at war with my church.

I've felt this way for a very long time.

Simply walking by our church gives me the willies. Actually going inside triggers my gag reflex. I feel physically ill every time I enter the building.

I haven't always felt this way.

When we first began attending church nine years ago, the church culture which greeted me was undoubtedly a strange new world, but it was also a refuge of sorts. It afforded me the space, the encouragement, and I would even go so far as to say, the desire to meet the Risen Lord, the Christ, my precious Jesus.

I'm not sure why things have changed; or should I say, why I've changed?

I think part of the problem is that I began reading the Bible, I mean really reading the Bible. As I did so, I noticed the intricate threads that begin in the Hebrew Scriptures and weave and wind their way to the very end of the Revelation of Saint John. Threads that speak of love and patience and caring. Threads that speak of concern for the welfare of others. Threads that speak of a God so passionate for His creation that He was willing to move heaven and earth to reach us, to draw us to Himself.

I have concluded that church should not be about showmanship, nor should a worship service ever be like a corporate business meeting. I'm not so sure it should even be about the business of vision casting or missions/program development. It seems to me, that the vision has already been cast for us by the most high God through His living word, the Christ, our precious Jesus. It seems to me that the church doesn't really need all of its self-centered, self-serving missions/programs. Church is the mission.

Individually and corporately, we are to love our God by loving one another, and by loving all of God's creation.

The problem I'm having, is that my church seems to fail so miserably in doing this. I have reasons and experiences which have led to believe this is so. And I struggle with this because I know that I, myself, have failed so miserably in loving God and loving neighbor. What right have I to point a finger at the very church that helped lead me to Christ? If I doom the church, am I not dooming myself?

And so I find myself sitting here this morning, wondering.....

....what is an appropriate course of action in a situation such as this?

I've spoken with trusted friends. I've shared my concerns with mentors from the church. They've agreed with many of my assessments, many of the issues I've raised regarding the church's failings; but they've offered me precious little counsel about how to move forward and still maintain a healthy relationship in and with the church.

So I've taken matters into my own hands. I've arranged to meet with a pastor whose passion is peace making and dispute resolution. Maybe he is the next step in my quest for peace and restoration.

If you think of me, won't you please join me in prayer? This pastor and I will meet Monday morning. Would you join me in praying that our meeting is Spirit led? Pray that I am humble enough to hear what I need to hear, and not just hear what I want to hear.

I don't know why this matters so much to me....but it does.