Jesus wept~part 1

Here's a snippet from a kitchen table conversation I had yesterday with a young mother, who is now 9 months into her new life, recovering from methamphetamine addiction.

"I don't know how to say this without offending you, but I don't really believe in this God or Jesus business"

My response: "That's not offensive, that's being honest. Just keep being honest."

As I lay in bed thinking about this conversation, I remembered back to a time when I was two years sober. My family had just begun attending a Christian church in our neighborhood. At that time, I knew a little about God and Christ and I was curious to know more; but I wasn't particularly interested in being saved.

Truth be told, I was a little more than pissed off with God, but that's blog fodder for another day.....

Anyhow, one of the outreach events sponsored by the Women's Ministry at our church is to hostess a Holiday Dinner for women. Being "new" to the church, I was invited to attend, which I did.

Here is a snippet from that evening's conversation:

"So Jerri, " says a beautifully groomed woman in her mid 60's, "you're new to our church?"

"Uhhh yes, yes I am." I replied, ever articulate and woefully underdressed.

"It's always nice to welcome new Christians to our Holiday Dinner and to our church family." she responded.

"But I'm not so sure I'm a Christian." I replied.

All conversation at our table ceased. Eyes turned to fix on me, as our hostess queried, "Do you believe Jesus was the son of God?"

"Yes, yes I do."

"Do you believe that Jesus lived, died on the cross for your sins, and rose again?"

"Actually yes, I do believe that."

"Well then, you are a Christian."

"No." I said softly. "because I'm not sure that I want either God or Jesus in my heart right now."

Mouths dropped, eyes were averted, conversation was immediately directed away from me....and none of it returned to me for the rest of the evening. Although I was not asked to physically leave the table, it felt as if I had been. At best, I became invisible; at worst, I became the giant pink elephant no one wanted to talk about, or to acknowledge in any way.

That was my first experience of table fellowship.

I left church that evening wondering if I would ever find a place to belong. I left wondering if I would ever experience a God like the one I had heard described in Sunday sermon after Sunday sermon. I left wondering if I would ever be welcomed again at God's table.

This morning as I remembered that evening, I imagined myself huddled under that table crying. I felt abandoned, small...rejected. And Jesus came to me. He crawled under that Holiday dinner table and knelt down beside me. He offered me his hand and then he cradled me in his arms.

"Forgive them Jerri, for they know not what they do" he whispered into my hair and then Jesus wept.

Jesus wept.