Mystified and confused and resisting.

Something has been stirring within me these past few weeks.

I feel as though I am being pulled on an inward journey which I am resisting. I am afraid.

There are places within my heart where I still experience incredible brokenness, insecurity and fear.

In the past I have made several forays into these secret places of my own heart. I have found that for me, these journeys are necessary when I desire to confront and to heal my own woundedness.

Right now however, I don't feel the woundedness or the shame which ordinarily compels and fuels such an inward journey.

Why then must I go?

All I want to do is to hide. So I do.

I hide from myself by engaging in mind numbing activities. I do things like watch too much television, read books and blogs ad infinitum, and take long naps. Out of the blue, I've developed a voracious sexual appetite, and of course, let's not forget my other appetite which is equally voracious and has me eating until my eyes pop out and my stomach is numb.

In, and of themselves, none of the things listed above are bad; but when used to escape, to avoid, they each become unhealthy for me.

I know all of this, and yet, the knowing makes none of it easier.

Eventually, I will tire. I will cease to hide and I will consent to begin this new inward journey.

Perhaps then, I will once again find the peace that has been so absent within my own spirit these past few weeks.

Right about now, some of you are probably wondering, "What in the hell is she talking about?"

My answer?

I don't know; but when I do, I'll be sure to tell you all about it.