Confession

Somebody once said that confession is good for the soul.

I hope that they were right, because I'm about to publically confess something that has been weighing upon me all day.

This morning, I said something that I deeply regret.

I made fun of the way several women pray in my Mom's In Touch prayer group. Now some of you know, that I'm a lousy out loud pray-er. I'm such a lousy out loud pray-er that I've actually been asked to refrain from praying in certain group situations.

Given that this is one area of my spiritual life where I have in fact been wounded by the callous comments and actions of others I am greatly confused by this new propensity to turn and to marginalize the prayers of others.

I feel as though I've just stomped upon something that is sacred and I am certain that I grieved God when He heard me carelessly spout off the way that I did in order to gain a laugh or two from my companions.

Deep down inside, I feel my soul ache. I hurt. In fact, I think that I hurt more now, than when other people laughed at my own clumsy prayers.

This has been a good lesson for me; albeit a difficult one.

What have I learned?

I've learned the I truly must guard and restrain my own tongue. I've learned that I am not exempt from doing the very things I pray that I will not do(and that others will not do). I've learned that my desire to please others is still relatively unfettered within me.

I've also learned that humility is not something that I can attain through seeking to be humble; but rather, it is a quality of being that I must live my way into as I learn the true value of forgiveness.

And today, I feel truly humbled. I feel humbled because I know that our God still receives me in spite of my own shallowness, and in spite of the hurt that I've caused both Him and His Kingdom.

You may wonder if I feel better now that I have confessed this to all of you.

My answer is both yes and no.

For you see, although my soul still aches, my shame is gone. And tomorrow, my soul will ache a little less. Eventually, the hurt will fade completely; but I hope that I never forget the lessons I have learned today.

God willing we can all learn from this, and then if necessary, gently remind one another should any one of us forget!